As a couple’s therapist, I commonly suggest a technique called a time-out. This technique can be helpful in relationships when an argument stops being productive.

However, when I suggest this technique, I have noticed that I am occasionally met with confusion. It is often assumed time-outs are only for children. In this article, I will explain how time-outs can work for couples, including defining what they are and what they are not.

1. Time-outs are not a punishment! 

This is a common misconception. Time-outs are a way to pause a conversation when it stops being productive. When people begin to feel overwhelmed or upset, they may begin to put each other down or to stop hearing one another. At this point, the argument is no longer productive and a pause is required.

2. Time-outs are not sitting in a corner stewing.

When one partner has asked for a time-out, this does not mean each person walks away and continues ruminating about the conversation. Instead, when taking a time-out, each partner should do something that helps them to regulate their mind and body. For example, one can engage in physical exercise or practice deep breathing. That being said, in some cases, it may not be possible to take the physical space needed during a time out. For example, if a time-out is called while driving, it is not possible to get out and walk away in the middle of traffic. In that case, a couple could agree to listen to music together in silence and practice breathing for a set amount of time before trying to continue the conversation.

3. Time-outs are not indefinite. 

Time-outs are not used to avoid difficult conversations or emotions, nor do they equal an end to a conversation. Rather, a time-out is a pause in a conversation. It is helpful if a couple can have a prior agreement about how long a time-out will last. For some couples, it can be as short as 10 minutes or as long as an hour. It is important that each partner respects the amount previously set for a time-out and stick to it.

4. Only one person has to call a time-out.

When a time-out is called, all conversation stops immediately. Each partner must respect this call and give one another space to self-regulate. The person who set the time-out can then come back to their partner to ask if they are ready to resume the conversation from a more grounded place.

5. Time-outs are not just for one-time use.

Tough conversations may require multiple time-outs. When someone calls for a time-out and returns to restart the conversation, their partner may not be ready and may require more time to ground themselves. It is important to respect this need and allow each person to return to a state of calm before attempting to re-start the conversation.

Any relationship can benefit from tools to hear more, listen better, and take a pause when needed. Now that you know what a time-out can look like, I challenge you to discuss with your partner if this could be helpful for your relationship. Sometimes what’s useful for kids may just be great for adults too.

Lauren Middlemiss, M.A., RP, CCC.