When couples come into therapy wanting to repair their relationship after infidelity, I sometimes sense an overwhelming feeling of urgency. This makes sense, as people want to get through the difficult part of healing and go back to the way their relationship was before. Unfortunately, this process is not something that can be rushed. Often with that sense of urgency, I find couples can get stuck in the same spot over and over again. That stuck place is all thanks to shame.

I think Brené Brown offered the best definition of shame when she said, “Guilt is I did something wrong. Shame is I am wrong.” Shame often creeps up when a person has been unfaithful. Their actions do not fit with who they believe they are, and this makes them question everything. Shame is a powerful force and can leave a person feeling empty.

Typically, trying to rebuild a relationship from a place of shame will not work. Not only does shame negatively impact one partner, but it also can lead to the unintentional hurt of the other. A key process in repairing a relationship involves the injured partner being able to express how the infidelity has impacted them from a place of vulnerability. They might say:

It made me feel worthless.

I felt disrespected.

I feel not good enough for you.

The injuring partner can then acknowledge these feelings and their validity, letting their partner feel heard. They can then proceed to apologize for these wounds.

If shame shows up in these moments, it can impact a relationship in a few different ways. Shame can act as earmuffs, preventing the injuring partner from clearly hearing the hurt their partner experienced. Instead, through the lens of shame, they might hear:

You are worthless.

You disrespect everyone.

You are not good enough.

Without hearing what their partner shared, how can the injuring partner properly acknowledge and hold these feelings?

Shame can also act as a weight. Even if they have heard their partner properly, the injuring partner might feel so stuck in the amount of hurt caused by their actions that they cannot move forward. In turn, this stuck-ness may lead feelings of to hopelessness.

Finally, trying to avoid shame can result in a resistance to the hurt caused. Instead of hearing and attending to their partner, one might try to focus only on the positive changes and encourage the suppression of the hurt feelings.

Yes, that sucks, but have you thought of this?

Yes, I hurt you then, but look at me now.

Can’t we just move forward?

These responses are not an indication of lack of care for the relationship. It is often an attempt to avoid feeling shame. Unfortunately, the result is that it doesn’t allow for the injured partner to feel heard, understood, and validated. Thus, repair becomes difficult.

Shame can show up in many different forms when it comes to repairing a relationship after infidelity. Naming the shame and noticing when it emerges is important in reducing its impact. While it can bring about an incredible feeling of stuck-ness for a couple, shame does not have to act as a permanent road block on the path to healing.

Lauren Middlemiss, M.A., RP, CCC.