Do you still love me?

Are you sure you want to be with me?

Would you be happier without me?

Are you cheating on me?

Sometimes, hearing these questions from a partner can be frustrating. That being said, this can be the reality for someone who is in a relationship with a person with anxious attachment. It is my hope that this article may shed some light on what anxious attachment is, how it presents, and what it needs in a relationship.

According to Levine and Heller’s (2011) book Attached, people with anxious attachment desire closeness. They also tend to worry about their partner reciprocating their feelings. The authors go on to explain that people with anxious attachment can detect subtle threats to their relationships.

One thing that can be important to remember is that anxiety is not a choice; no one chooses to feel anxious. The best way to understand anxiety is to look at it as a smoke alarm - when the smoke alarm goes off for real danger such as a fire, it is helpful, but sometimes, that smoke alarm can go off when dinner is burnt. When there is a dangerous situation, like a fire, anxiety is helpful. However, anxiety often has a tendency to emerge in situations that are not objectively dangerous (for example, a partner liking another person's photo on social media).

Sometimes anxious attachment can be reinforced as the result of life experiences, such as an unhealthy relationship. The impacts of this relationship can linger long after it has ended. During the relationship, the brain may have associated certain actions with danger. For example, someone who was cheated on may associate late nights at work with their partner being unfaithful. The brain will remember this association even after the relationship has ended. Thus, working late becomes associated with infidelity, and as a result, an anxious response will emerge. It is important to note that it can take time to unlearn these conditioned, protective responses.

The biggest suggestion I can offer is to consider intention. Often people with anxious attachment do not intend to be hurtful when they ask if their partner still loves them. These questions come from a place of fear and vulnerability. Despite being aware their partner loves them, they might require additional reassurance.

Reassurance can be very helpful when supporting a partner who has an anxious attachment style. The best practice is to ask what type of reassurance feels good for your partner. For example, some partners might feel reassured when they verbally hear that they are loved and cared for. As a partner, forming the habit of providing this reassurance on a consistent basis can have a positive impact on a relationship. In addition, it is important to be intentional when offering this reassurance - for example, taking the time to stop and make eye contact when saying, “I love you”. This intentional act can be more meaningful than an automatic “I love you” as you rush out the door. Furthermore, verbal reassurance can be amplified with the addition of non-verbal gestures, such as eye contact, physical touch, or softened facial expressions.

At times, it can be challenging to know how to best support an anxiously attached partner. With reassurance, time, and understanding, it is possible to show up in a way that is safe and connecting with those of us who may attach more anxiously.

Source: Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2011). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep-love. Tarcher Perigee.

Lauren Middlemiss, M.A., RP, CCC.