“I want to trust my partner. They have given me no reason not to, but I don’t. Am I a terrible person?”

I have heard these words many times, and my answer is always the same - no, you are not a terrible person. Trust takes time! At its core, trust consists of a series of words and actions that match over and over again. 

I like to think of this in terms of bungee jumping. The professionals tell me the rope will hold, but I don’t fully trust them. Of course I don’t fully trust them; I’m afraid! Any rational human would be afraid. I don’t fully trust the professionals until I have jumped and found that the rope didn’t snap. That being said, perhaps on the second jump, I am still not fully convinced. After all, that first time could have been a fluke, right? Luckily for the second time, I am a bit more confident - when the rope holds again, I trust a little more. Through small, repeated actions, my trust grows.  

Relationships are similar. It is completely rational to be afraid of heartbreak. Heartbreak hurts. Human beings do not typically run towards danger. We all have an instinct to protect ourselves, whether it be from physical or emotional harm. Therefore, it makes sense that we don’t dive in immediately to fully trust someone. 

It can also be helpful to think of trust in terms of a percentage, rather than an all-or-nothing scenario. For example, I trust that a stranger on the street won’t come up to me out of the blue and pat me on the head; however, I wouldn’t trust that same stranger to pet-sit for me. If over time, I develop a relationship with that stranger, maybe eventually I will be comfortable with them watching my cats for a few hours while I’m away. Naturally, it will take time to see if their words and actions match and to feel that I can begin to trust them. Similarly, it is okay not to trust your partner 100% right away. This takes time and practice to build.  

Overall, trust is a built on repetitive and predictable actions. I challenge you to consider what building trust might look like in your relationships. 

Lauren Middlemiss, M.A., RP, CCC.