Nowadays, you can’t walk into any furniture décor store without finding a sign that says “happy thoughts” or “positive vibes only”. There is nothing inherently wrong with these messages, but in my experience as a therapist, I have noticed a common theme. Clients will often say things like, “I know I should be focusing on the positive”, or “I know I’m awful for thinking that”.

There’s this odd pressure to try to avoid thinking about negative things, and if we do think about them, we tend to shame ourselves for it. Unfortunately, this strategy doesn’t really work. For example, say I ask you to think about a pink cat. Go ahead and picture it. Now, stop thinking about it; don’t think about it for another second. Were you able to do that? If you could, congratulations, but the majority of us cannot. Personally, it just makes the idea of the pink cat bigger and bigger in my mind. So why bother telling ourselves to just stop thinking about those thoughts and only have happy thoughts when it clearly doesn’t work? Beating ourselves up about not being able to find the happy thoughts usually tends to make us feel worse. Why shame ourselves for having a thought that we cannot control?

Rather than beating ourselves up, I opt for offering self-compassion. To do this, I encourage incorporating flexibility and balance into our thought patterns. Instead of trying to push down any thoughts, allow whatever you are thinking to come into your mind and try to balance it with the opposite. It can be fairly simple. For example:

Everything sucks. Some things suck right now, but other things don’t suck right now.

I’m going to screw up this presentation. I will rock this presentation.

What if everything goes wrong? What if everything goes right?

This reduces the pressure to only have “happy thoughts”. There is no need to shame ourselves when we deem our thoughts to be negative. Instead, we are trying to practice being flexible, considering alternatives, and taking a balanced approach.

Of course, this takes practice. Someone who can barely touch their toes is unlikely to be doing crazy yoga pretzel poses within a day. It can be helpful to start small, otherwise we can get discouraged. After all, you don’t go into the gym for the first time and try to lift 300 pounds. At first, you could try to actively create a balanced thought once every day. Then, slowly you can increase this skill over time. Eventually you may notice yourself doing it unconsciously. For 2022, let’s make more room to be kinder on ourselves and maybe try and practice flexible, balanced thinking.

Lauren Middlemiss, M.A., RP (Q), CCC.