I want to love myself.

As a psychotherapist, sometimes I wish I could wave a magic wand and suddenly everyone would feel comfortable and more able to love themselves. Unfortunately, what I have come to observe is that it takes more than one action across one brief moment. Loving ourselves means looking at the relationship we have with ourselves and taking action regularly. Every relationship takes work. We need to put in the effort for the relationship we have with ourselves just like we have to in our relationships with other people.

So how do I put in the work, you might be wondering? Two important questions might help to give you a starting point. First, ask yourself, when do I feel loved by others? What do other people do that make me feel loved?

The answer is different for everyone. For some people it’s when someone does something small like packing their lunch or leaving love notes. For others, it’s when they are embraced physically by their partner. Take some time to consider what actions make you feel most loved.

Now let me ask you this: when do you take the time to do those actions for yourself? If we know these things make you feel loved, wouldn’t it stand to reason that by engaging in these actions for yourself, you would feel more loved?

Some clients tell me that they do take the time to work on their relationship with themselves. They engage in self-care on a daily basis through small actions. While those acts of self-care are beneficial, they might not be the actions that allow us to truly feel loved. For example, while taking a bubble bath feels great, the way you feel loved by others might actually be through someone’s kind words. When was the last time you said something nice about yourself to yourself?

Now the question becomes, how can I apply these acts of love towards myself? It can be helpful to explore the concept of love languages. For those of you who don’t know, love languages were created and researched initially by Dr. Gary Chapman (Chapman, 2022). Chapman identified the five forms in which we communicate love as quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. To discover your love language, follow the link to Dr. Chapman’s website at the bottom of this article.

Applying these five love languages to yourself could look like the following:

Quality time

This might be spending some time journaling and exploring your feelings. This could also be checking in with your body to assess how you feel physically.

Words of Affirmation

This can include writing down positive aspects about yourself as a person or speaking them aloud in front of a mirror. If it’s a struggle to find nice things to say about yourself, focus on small things or you can imagine what your friends might say about you.

Physical Touch

Physical touch can involve offering yourself a hug. It could also include applying lotion to your skin and mindfully noticing what it feels like to do so.

Acts of Service

An act of service can involve doing something now that your future self will appreciate. For example, it an act of service could be putting away the dishes at night or taking out the trash when you think of it instead of waiting until the next day.

Receiving Gifts

When you buy yourself a gift, perhaps it’s something thoughtful or meaningful that you know you will appreciate. This gift could also be something that you hand-make for yourself, such as a card or a sweater.

Overall, the goal to love yourself is an ongoing process that takes time and work. Engaging in small acts of self-love, can be a meaningful and good way to start.

Sources:

Chapman, G. (2022). What are the five love languages? 5 Love languages. https://5lovelanguages.com/

Chapman, G. D. (2010). The five love languages. Walker Large Print.

Lauren Middlemiss, M.A., RP, CCC.