Many of us have encountered someone in our lives that we might characterize as controlling. Being on the receiving end of this can certainly be a challenge. Control has a flavor to it that can feel sharp and domineering. Moreover, in some cases, it can walk along that delicate line of abuse. But what if, in other moments, control has been slightly misunderstood? Do we truly have a sense of the full role that control plays in our relationships with others?

I would like to take this chance to acknowledge that control can be placed on a spectrum, and there is a point at which it can be considered abusive. In this case, the safety and well-being of both parties need to be placed first. This article is directed toward instances of non-abusive uses of control within relationships.

Think for a moment about the word “control”. What comes up for you? Quite often, it is associated with the phrase, “a need for control”. For many people, control can be a learned, functional tool that is very much so needed. Most of our emotional coping mechanisms developed at a time in our lives when we needed them, and control often falls into this category. At some point, we may have needed to have control over something in order to feel safe. After all, if the opposite of control is chaos, who would want to experience chaos without some sense of armor? Control can be a great solution for discomfort with vulnerability.

In a lot of cases, we see control directed inward. This might be the case for many perfectionists, workaholics, or anxious folks out there. Control allows us to feel like we are masters over chaotic circumstances and gives us power to make change happen. We can control our time, efforts, space, and practice at something. Occasionally, however, control can be projected outwards onto other people around us. This is where I find it can be misunderstood, because externalized control can have some damaging impacts on relationships, and it can be hard to understand where this comes from.

So let’s unpack this a bit. If someone expresses a need to control their partner, for instance, is it as simple as saying, “this person is toxic”, or does it really signal a deep, underlying need? Often, we answer this by saying, “yes, the underlying need is the need for control”. Yet, could it be that control is, in fact, a tool that protects someone from an underlying need of avoidance? As I mentioned above, control keeps us safe – safe from discomfort, fear, anxiety, and vulnerability. The controlling person uses control in order to avoid sitting with the discomfort of not having control. The real need, in this case, is avoidance. The need to avoid becomes bigger than the desire to face these tough emotions, and thus, control kicks in. If I control my partner, perhaps I never have to confront my own anxiety of giving them space and freedom.

One thing to consider if you may use control in this way, is to challenge yourself to begin to safely confront what you have been avoiding. What does it mean to give others space and freedom? Can you learn to better tolerate your own physical and emotional discomfort so that the need to avoid these emotions is not in the driver’s seat? The funny thing about avoidance and control is that they have very little to do with others and everything to do with the controlling person themselves. By seeking to control others, we are, in fact, keeping ourselves in a cage. The goal here can be to free your partner by beginning to free yourself from your own avoidance.

Practice taking the risk to trust, soothing your own distress, and allowing space for others around you to show you that you can trust them. Therapy can also be quite helpful in this practice, mainly because it offers a space with a neutral person to navigate this as it can be easier said than done.

If you have been placing someone in your life in an emotional cage to keep yourself safe, consider what it may be like to no longer need this. By confronting your own avoidance, you may discover that you were caging yourself as well, and you may find a way to finally put down that tool of control.

Jennifer Goldberg, M.Ed., RP, CCC.