I have to stop being depressed.

I don’t have time to be upset.

Everything is fine.

I need to just get over it.

As a therapist, I hear these statements all the time. People tell me they need to get over it, stop being anxious or upset, shove it down, and move on. Yet, here is something I often consider:

If telling yourself to get over it worked, you would be over it already.

So why do we do it? Why do we try to force ourselves to be okay when we are not okay? There are many reasons. One reason I frequently hear has to do with the expectations we hold for ourselves or that we feel others hold us to.

Recently, the song Surface Pressure from the movie Encanto has become very popular. This could be because many people relate to the lyrics. 

Who am I if I can't carry it all?

No cracks, no breaks, no mistakes, no pressure.

Sound familiar? Sometimes, it’s difficult to let ourselves admit that we are struggling because we have been taught that we are supposed to be strong. As a result, we expect ourselves to be super-humans when in reality, that standard is not possible or realistic. Furthermore, these expectations don’t make our feelings go away. Since this perspective might not lead to results, let’s explore a new approach.

Admitting that we are not okay is hard. On top of this, it can be even harder to accept that we are not okay. 

A common fear is that if we stop pushing our feelings away, they will become overwhelming. However, I argue it can be more overwhelming to pretend everything is fine when it's not.

Once we acknowledge with awareness that there is a problem, we can begin to look for solutions. We can ask ourselves reflective questions such as; what do I need right now? What can I do to take care of myself right now? What could be causing these feelings? We can also reach out to people we trust for support.

You are allowed to be sad. You are also allowed to be having a hard time. It is true that these feelings can be uncomfortable; however, to “get over” feeling sad, we first need to let ourselves feel the sadness itself.

Our emotional vulnerability is part of being human and at times, no amount of hiding our feelings will make them go away. Most of the time, the only way out of our feelings is to go straight through them.

Lauren Middlemiss, M.A., RP, CCC.