Who are you texting?

Why did you like their photo?

Have you been going through my phone?

Over time, cell phones have allowed people to connect on an entirely new level. People can share their experiences and talk with their friends no matter what the distance is between them, from a thousand miles away to the next room over. That being said, sometimes technology can disrupt our connections. A common example of this is when two people are on a date and someone is on their phone; this can prevent the them from fully engaging with one another, thus disrupting their connection in the present moment.

Unfortunately, phones and technology can also introduce the opportunity to cause even greater divides. For instance, sometimes when people are feeling anxious or worried, they may decide to go through their partner’s phone. While this act can temporarily soothe fear, it is only a short-term solution. Rather than fostering trust, this can actually push a couple further apart. Furthermore, this same individual might unknowingly go through messages that took place months before their relationship, resulting in a lot of hurt and upset. With time, checking their partner’s phone might become commonplace because it helps to reduce feelings of anxiety for the time being. In addition, should their partner discover these checking behaviours, it could be viewed as an act of betrayal and an invasion of privacy. In this scenario, the attempt to soothe fear actually ends up causing more harm to the relationship than good.

That being said, here’s the question: How can we stop the fight around cell phones? The answer: communication.

These conversations are not easy. At the core, these conversations are saying, “I’m having a hard time right now” or “I’m feeling afraid right now” and they are asking the question, “can you be there for me?”. These conversations require vulnerability. This means they also need open minds and compassion from both parties.

For example, say your partner reveals they are worried about how often a colleague texts you. They express concern that your colleague is interested in you in a romantic sense. Now, this can be hurtful, as it might feel like your partner is saying they don’t trust you. While that might be the case, your partner could also be saying, “this scares me”.

As hard as it is, it’s important not to invalidate your partner's worry or your hurt. It can be helpful to explore your partner’s anxiety as well as to express your feelings. Going a step further, it can be beneficial for some couples to go through those text messages from the colleague together. Rather than giving your partner your phone, this could be done together as a couple to foster communication and trust. If your partner has any questions or concerns, you can discuss them together at the moment.

At the same time, it is important to note that everyone is entitled to privacy. There needs to be an equal balance between the individual and the relationship (see Jennifer’s blog post “The Delicate Balance: Self Versus the Relationship” for more details). For some people, sharing their cell phones with their partner just isn’t comfortable; at the end of the day, these actions may only soothe the anxieties and fears for so long.

So with this, I leave you with a question to reflect on: what other things can we do with our partners to soothe fear and anxiety in order to further develop and re-build trust?

Lauren Middlemiss, M.A., RP, CCC.