It can be easy to make assumptions about others. Sometimes when we do not have all the information, our mind naturally looks to fill in the gaps. However, this can often lead to miscommunication within a relationship. In couples therapy, I often see assumptions playing a large role in misunderstandings.

For example, many people have assumptions about activities like video games. Often, I hear comments from one partner that sound like:

“They play video games all the time.”

“They like video games more than me.”

“They’re an adult; they shouldn’t be playing games.”

Unfortunately, these assumptions don’t always open the door to communication. Sometimes they may result in a defensive response, which can ultimately lead to an argument. Rather than letting assumptions take over, this could be a time to be curious and to ask questions. For example:

“What do you enjoy most about video games?”

“Which games do you prefer and why?”

“Why do you play?”

Curiosity tends to open the door to conversation. Video games might not necessarily be a way to avoid relationship connection. Rather, for some people, video games might be a way to re-charge mentally, a hobby, or an activity of enjoyment and fun. Asking questions can help couples to deepen their sense of connection and understanding of one another.

Curiosity can also lead to new paths for discovery. For example, several video games are targeted for couples to play together. Some of these games don’t require a great deal of gaming experience. Playing these games together can foster a sense of teamwork and cooperation. They may also assist in developing an understanding of why someone enjoys gaming. These games may even help couples understand how to best communicate when attempting to accomplish tasks together.

On the other hand, curiosity can also assist with conversations about any potential negative impacts video games might have on a relationship. For example, curiosity could lead to questions such as:

“How do you feel when I play games?”

“Does the length of time that I play games bother you?”

“How can we compromise so both our needs are met?”

This curiosity can lead to understanding a partner’s experience, their feelings, and the creation of strategies that will help reduce any negative impacts to the relationship.

It can be easy to let assumptions become automatic. While it takes time and practice to apply curiosity, in the long run, the benefits might just be worth it.

Lauren Middlemiss, M.A., RP, CCC.